Friday 7 April 2017

Sadness and Professionalism

I've written before on the sadder parts of working in paediatrics, and how I think it's ok to find it upsetting (it's entirely coincidence that I wrote that post exactly one year ago). As I've got more senior and been more directly involved with patient care and decision making, I've found that the harder parts of my job have got, at times, even tougher.

I am quite involved with the medical student paediatric society (hi LUMPS) and as part of this I mentor students who are interested in paediatrics. One of the commonest questions they ask is "how do you cope with the sad bits?" - most commonly they wonder how I deal with deaths and child protection issues. The honest answer is that I'm not sure I do, at least not in any way that I can really express to anyone else. Paediatricians, on the whole, are a pretty nice bunch, so there's always lots of peer support. Even very senior and experience colleagues still get upset by horrible things happening, and the general consensus is that it's ok to be sad when sad things happen. Still, I find myself wondering whether it's "professional" to be upset by things I see at work.

Is it ok to feel sad when you see a child who has had injuries inflicted by their own family? Is it wrong to cry when a baby you've looked after since their birth passes away? Do these emotions, or expressing them, make me a bad doctor? I'm a naturally self-critical person and so tend to feel like anything I do, say or feel is an indicator of how terrible I am, and I guess this is just another example of this. In reality, I suspect being upset about a patient is no bad thing, as long as it doesn't influence how you treat the next one. So cry, take 5 minutes for a cup of tea, go home after your shift and have a glass of wine, do whatever you need to. But when the next patient comes along, they deserve the same care and attention as all the rest.

It's not unprofessional to be sad. But it is unprofessional to let that sadness affect the care you provide to others.

Sunday 1 January 2017

Another Year Over, A New One Just Begun...

Well, 2016 is over. If you're to believe the mainstream media, it's been the worst year ever, and it's fairly easy to see why. With Britain voting to leave the EU and Donald Trump now President-elect of the United States, many liberal-leaning people will have found this a fairly disasterous 12 months. Even if you're a right wing Euroskeptic, there have been so many celebrity deaths that it has at times felt like a sick joke. That said, there have been many positives too. I'm not a huge sports fan, but even I think TeamGB having their most successful Olympics to date is pretty cool. Globally, carbon emissions have stalled and poverty has fallen. The tiger population has increased for the first time in a century. Hyperbole and drama may sell newspapers, but they're unlikely to reveal the full story.

For me personally, 2016 has been a pretty successful year. I (finally) passed my membership exams, started working at registrar level, graduated from my MSc and moved in with my boyfriend - can't complain at that! Of course, some things haven't gone quite so well. I didn't record my resolutions last year, but no doubt they'll have included weight loss, which hasn't happened to any significant level, and increased exercise, which has happened on occasion but hasn't really been sustained. Nonetheless, on the whole, it's not been a bad year for me.

So, will I be making resolutions this year? It's difficult not to, but it seems silly making the same ones  I've made (without much success, obviously), year on year for over a decade. Whilst I'd love to be slimmer and fitter, they're relatively superficial goals. Instead, I'm going to set myself some other challenges:

- I am someone who looks after other people, both in my work as a doctor and at home when I like to feed and generally "mother" my friends and family, however I'm pretty bad at looking after myself. Therefore, I am going to try much harder with self care this year. There are lots of little things I can do, but mostly it's about remembering that I'm actually worthy of being looked after.

- I tend to be quite a negative thinker. I assume the worst in most situations, and almost always assume that I have done the wrong thing, annoyed people and am generally a terrible human. Linked in with my self care resolution, I'm going to try to think more positively, particularly about myself. There are plenty of things I'm probably good at, and believing in myself doesn't make me a dreadful person.

- I compulsively apologise for everything - sometimes I even say sorry when I'm not sure what I'm sorry for. It's silly and to be honest, probably quite annoying that I basically apologise for existing. So, I'm going to stop saying sorry unless it's actually warranted.

As I've stated on many occasions before, I've struggled with my mood for a long time, and I'm hoping that these resolutions will help with that. We live in a world where we are constantly shown how well everyone is doing. One of the lovely things about social media is that we are able the share our friends' good news and happy occasions quickly. Engagements, weddings, graduations, pregnancies, holidays and nights out are all photographed and shared within minutes. It's therefore easy to believe that everyone else is living a perfect life whilst we're barely holding it together. To borrow an excellent quote from a friend's daughter, the problem here is comparing our friends' "highlights" with our own "outtakes". So the next time I scroll through facebook and feel miserable that everyone else is partying, holidaying, succeeding and being perfect, I need to remember that my own profile looks just the same. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with watching Netflix in your onesie with a cup of tea - it just doesn't make a great photo!